my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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