It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
