if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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