please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
