if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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