I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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