Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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