Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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