I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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