Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
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My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
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Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?