The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
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I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
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I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live