Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.