The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
