why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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