I wish they made helmets for livers.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
