I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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