Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
