So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
