im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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