I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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