I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
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