mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
