You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
