He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
