Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
