"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
