Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
