Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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