lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
