Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
