This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
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