____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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