How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
