Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
