What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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