I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
