i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
