so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
