WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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