I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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