I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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