My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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