i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
