If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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