Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I have tasted many bathrooms
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
