She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Randomize
