I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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