Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
