Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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