That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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