Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Even my vagina gasped.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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