Can i not drive my cunt home
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
