My liver just broke up with me...
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
