I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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