I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
