Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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