I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
