You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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