And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
