if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
