it was like his penis was on wheels.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
