as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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