This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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